This is long read but I think you'll find it worth it. I pray that God speaks to the fear in your heart.
I was sexually abused somewhere between 5-7 years old. I didn't even recall it until I was 25 and I begged God to show me why I could not stop binge eating (I was well over 100 pounds overweight.) At the time I had NO MEMORY of the abuse. Absolutely NO knowledge. I was desperate for an answer to an addiction that seemed hopeless. The binge cycle is so viscous, round and round you go. I felt Absolutely HOPELESS and cried out to God to show me why it was so uncontrollable. God did eventually show me. Through a series of events that only He could orchestrate, he showed me the why behind my eating disorder. I was abused by someone I knew. Despair filled my heart when my conscious memory finally decided to release the buried deep information.
That revelation was 12 years ago. I dug deep and faced the abuse head on out of desperation to beat my eating disorder. My over achieving personality doesn't shy away from a problem but does everything in my power to solve the problem. I managed to release 100 pounds over the course of 10 years through blood, sweat and tears.
Abused people often repeat the cycle in some regard. So there is no surprise that in my broken state I picked a spouse who was also broken. We married young and mirrored each other in our brokenness. To say the relationship was the epitome of toxic is an understatement. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Every single day for over a decade I lived with a pit of fear in my stomach. It felt like fire, rolling around burning my insides, crushing the air out of my lungs and causing my heart to be in a constant state of fear. I begged God to release me, to intervene, to DO SOMETHING and felt like my cries fell on deaf ears. The crushing my soul experienced--I can't even begin to define.
And one day as I whispered yet again for God to release me from this hell hole, He finally answered me, delivered me and protected me. He set my feet on solid ground and began healing my very broken heart.
Fast forward and I am remarried to a man that undeniably God brought into my life. I was finally safe. I was finally at peace. Or so I thought I was. Even though I felt safe, my anxiety level was through the roof. It was such a familiar feeling to me that I didn't even realize it, until my body began to speak to me. Three and a half years I battled a health ailment that seemed to come out of nowhere. I clearly remember when it started December 2016. My first toxic marriage of over a decade had taken its toll on me in more ways than I cared to admit. My body started showing signs of an internal deep stress that I had shoved down and had not addressed for many many years. And suddenly without warning, only two months since being remarried and feeling at peace for the first time in 15 years, my body put up the white flag.
I can picture me holding the white flag waving high in the air. High over my head, mutterings whispered yet again to a God that I felt like should automatically heal my physical body....and yet the months slowly became years with no healing.
I was used to the stress--the anxiety that rose up out of me like a deep well overflowing. I almost couldn't even feel it anymore, it had been with me for so long. I was immune to it. When you spend most of your life trying to take care of yourself, believing that God is leaving you out to dry---you become fearful when your ability to find a solution to your problem isn't working. You live in fear, it breathes in and out with every breathe. Fear paralyzed me.
You can have head knowledge but our heart really tells us where we stand. We can say we TRUST God, but do we really TRUST HIM when all we feel is fear and anxiety?
Every word that comes out of our mouth and every choice we make flow through our heart first. Our heart doesn't lie, it always tells the truth. A heart that doesn't trust God completely is a heart that fears. It fears everything. It fears future disease and harm to our families, it fears the economy collapsing. It fears not being able to pay your bills, it fears running out of food and water or even toilet paper. It fears the irrational and the rational. Fear consumes and devours everything in it's path like lava flowing to destroy every ounce of life.
Fear sucks the life out of us and robs us of any joy in living.
And one day out of the blue, in again my effort to heal my physical body that shows a symptom when anxiety fills my heart, God met me.
Whew! Here we go...
I signed up for acupuncture. I had never had acupuncture before and my mom was seeing some great results so I thought what the heck. I put it off for months because the frugal side of me didn't really see it as a necessary expense, but after much prompting in my spirit, I made the appointment. After describing briefly my past and my physical symptoms, the acupuncturist looked at me and said "it sounds like you need your heart healed and put back together again."
Friends...what transpired through this acupuncture is completely mind blowing. Shocking really. God showed up to me. As I laid there needles sticking out of many inches of my body, I saw Jesus. A movie screen began to play in my mind and I saw many different scenes. I saw myself being abused as a child in a closet. I saw the abuse and I saw the abuser. It was not the person I thought it had been for so many years, it was someone completely different. I saw Jesus come in and take my hand and say come with me. He showed me that although my body experienced the abuse, he had taken my spirit out of the abuse. He stayed with me. He spoke to me. He showed me how deeply he loved me. He held my hand and it was like I had never experienced the abuse. He then showed me different moments in my first marriage when I had most feared for my life. There were many moments I went to bed thinking "he's going to kill me, and Lord it's in your hands." I would go to bed praying for protection. Again like a movie playing, God showed me where he had placed angels while I feared for my life. I saw the angels. I saw one massive giant angel dressed in white, with long hair holding a massive sword and I saw him placed at my door. He guarded the doors, he guarded me. I saw many different homes I owned with my ex. Many different scenarios where the same angel stood guard. I saw the very last house I owned with my ex husband and God spoke to me and said I am going to show you what a hedge of protection looks like. You prayed a hedge of protection around this house. He showed me a massive 10 foot brick wall with green ivy surrounding the home and how evil couldn't penetrate the house.
God showed me his protection. God showed me He heard my prayers and answered me even when I couldn't see Him answering me. God showed me how He would not interfere with man's free will but how He had the power to protect my spirit from experiencing the evil done to me. God showed me his love.
Through the tears, through the heart break, through the years of abuse...I saw God put my heart back together again. And I left that appointment feeling as if a 50 pound weight had been lifted off of me. I didn't know how heavy it was until it was off me. I didn't know how broken I really had been or how much I didn't Trust God. BECAUSE FULLY TRUSTING GOD BEGINS IN YOUR HEART.
No I don't believe that you need to necessarily go to acupuncture to have God speak to you. I hear him all the time. I think for me, because of the gravity of the weight I carried, I needed to be in a place of complete surrender and the acupuncture took me to level of stillness that I couldn't reach on my own. I was desperate for God. I was desperate for healing. I was desperate for his love. I was desperate for a heart that didn't fear the world.
I can honestly say with the chaos that currently surrounds us, that I am in complete and utter PEACE. My heart knows who is IN CONTROL. My heart TRUSTS God's ability to take care of my needs. I don't have the physical symptom of anxiety. I don't have sleepless nights. I can see what Prayer does. It unleashes God to act. It unleashes His power. Prayer is not empty words nor does it fall on empty ears. Pouring out our hearts like water is music to God's ears. He sends his angels to protect us. He shows up every day, every moment for every person. His perfect love casts out all fear. Friends, be at peace God is here. He has every solution to every problem. He is already in our future. He already knows how the story will end. He works everything for HIs Glory and for our good. I cannot wait to share how God showed up and provided in ways that I could never have imagined. He loves us too much to not be with us orchestrating everything that was meant to harm us for our benefit. Let's watch and be amazed!
If this touched you in some manner, please consider sharing it with others.